Here are the 10 women we never want to see on a ‘Hot’ list ever again! (Ours included…)
Britney SpearsSure, everybody loves a comeback - but how many times can a person prove herself to be a complete basketcase hosebeast before people stop considering her fapable? Apparently, somewhere in the vicinity of 157, because Britney just landed the g*ddamn #4 spot on FHM’s 2009 list, beating out ladies like Adriana Lima and Keeley F**king Hazell. Ten bucks says when she accidentally runs over one of her kids with her Hummer, she scores #1.
Jessica SimpsonWe’re as guilty as anyone with this one - and we’re still kind of on the fence about ruling her out entirely. But the way things have been going the past couple of months, it would be foolish to think Jessica Simpson’s going to reemerge as the blindingly hot bombshell she once was anytime soon. RIP, Jessica. You will be missed.
Tila Tequila
Another one of those mystery celebrities - meaning, it’s a mystery why she’s a celebrity - Tila Tequila’s only apparent appeal is her willingness to be as unapologetically slutty as humanly possible. Which, ordinarily, we have absolutely no problem with. But this chick’s shtick should have gotten old a hell of a long time ago. Instead, she keeps popping up more often than a bad case of herpes. Isn’t there some ointment or something we can put on her to make her go away?
Fergie
Besides the fact that “lady lumps” has to be, hands-down, the most unattractive way to describe the female form ever imagined, Fergie just isn’t that hot. Now, that’s not to say she doesn’t deserve a place on a “Hot Musicians” list, or something a little bit more narrowed down. But Maxim’s Hot 100? C’mon, guys, you know better than that…
Jennifer GarnerIf Jennifer Garner were your 10th grade English teacher, she’d definitely be fantasy worthy. But as far as movie stars go, she’s about as interesting as having sex with a born-again Christian. Not to mention that she’s now more of a stay-at-home mom than a sex-pot and her facial expression constantly looks like she has to take a dump.
Heidi MontagWe wanted to like you, Heidi. We really did. And if you’d just left yourself be the way God made you, you’d still be one of the hottest chicks on TV. But for some dumbass reason, you had to go and get a ton of hideous plastic surgery, plaster on bad makeup, develop and eating disorder and f**k it all up for everybody.
Mischa Barton
When Mischa first hit the scene with her role in The O.C., we thought she had real staying power. But instead of getting hotter as time went on, she seemed to devolve more into a slouchy hipster with a coke problem than a member of young hot Hollywood. And then we realized that that’s exactly what she’s been this entire time. You fooled us once, Mischa. But never again.
Danica PatrickOK, OK, she’s pretty and she’s a racecar driver - we get it, that equals hot… back in 2005. But nowadays, who gives a crap? In fact, Danica probably would rather just be judged like any other driver in her sport instead of having to be both good at racing and attractive at the same time. Sorry folks, it’s time to move on.
America FerreraIf the star of Ugly Betty were actually the hottest chick on the planet, we could totally understand why she’s landed on these lists so many times. But since she’s not really that hot in the first place, how America Ferrera ended up on any ‘Hot’ list at all is a mystery. Maybe people just like her name, or it made them feel good about themselves to not just have the skinny supermodel make the cut. Either way, this one’s a FAIL.
Paris HiltonIt still baffles us that we’re even still talking about Paris Hilton in any other capacity other than reporting her death from super-AIDS. But we guess being appallingly rich and sucking dong on camera is all it takes to have everlasting value in this world. Actually, now that we think about it, that really is all it takes. People, we should be ashamed of ourselves.
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